Mummy's Wish List
I wish Rhiya hadn’t died, I wish I could wake up one day soon and have her back. I wish that I could kiss her cheeks and see her smile. I would forget all this unbearable pain in a second if this wish could come true.
I wish that people wouldn’t be afraid to speak about my child or mention her name. Rhiya did exist, she was so important to me, I need to know she was important to you too.
I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to hurt me or make me cry if you say her name, my pain couldn’t be made any worse by talking about her. I am crying because my child died and I am struggling to comprehend that, not because of anything you could say.
I wish people wouldn’t tell me Rhiya is in heaven happy and safe, there is no where that she could be happier than with her mummy and daddy. I wish people understood that right now it pains and worries me to think of Rhiya existing elsewhere. It raises too many questions for me that I will never have the answers to.
I wish people would not tell me "I am still young, I can have more children". Yes I am young, too young to have experienced this amount of pain and suffering that will stay with me forever. I wish people understood that even with time, you don’t ever accept that your healthy child had died. I wish people understood that another child does not “fix” this, or replace what I have lost. I wish people understood that I would love to be a mum again one day, but the pain and anxiety it brings knowing that Rhiya will not be here takes away from the usual joy of having another child.
I wish people would not tell me that God will be there to make this better and give me strength. I know people think of me and pray for me, and I thank them for this. But I wish people could understand that I am not ready to hear about God, when deep down this is the person I am most angry with.
I wish people didn’t expect me to be healed by now. I carried Rhiya inside me for longer than the time I am expected to heal. I wish people understood that I need to feel this pain first before I heal, and even then I will never fully be healed.
I realise that I must be sad to be around at times. I wish people understood this is because when my child died, a huge part of me inside died too. This should be understood by the people that say their children are their life, mine was too. I wish people realised that I will never be the same person again.
I know people would understand how life changing it would be if I lost a limb or my sight, so I wish that people would understand that losing my child is the same as losing a part of me. I wish people understood how this is worse, because when you become a parent you would risk your own life and limbs for your child’s.
I wish people understood how difficult it has been to get through each hour let alone each day. Often it feels like the world is moving too fast and I just want to get off. I wish people understood why I feel this way.
I wish people would stop telling me I have to move forward and focus on my future. My child was one of the biggest parts of my future. People spend each day thinking about what they will do as a family the next day or weekend. My family is broken, I wish people wouldn’t expect me to re build my hopes and future so soon and allow me to readjust to this new life I hadn’t planned for or wanted. I know people say this because they don’t want to see me hurting, but it is an easy comment to make when their children are still part of their future. I don’t mean that to sound nasty, I just want people to know how much that comment hurts.
I wish people understood how hard it is to face things everyday, when I see mothers playing with or comforting their children, when I see toys that Rhiya loved to play with, programmes that she loved to watch, music that she sang and danced to, but most of all, when we are all together as a family knowing that it is and always will be incomplete.
I wish people would stop asking me if it is worth carrying on trying to get justice for Rhiya as is it appears to be draining me. I wish people understood It is the grief and deep pain of missing Rhiya that is draining me, the fight within me to get justice for my little girl is what keeps me going.
I wish people realised the pain my husband is in as underneath his smiles he is weeping too. I wish people could understand how it must feel for him to come home to a house without his child waiting to wrap her arms around him. I wish people really understood the silence in our home is heartbreaking, and doesn’t feel like a home anymore.
Although I wish people understood that this is just a fraction of what I feel everyday, I also wish that no one ever does truly have to understand.